Read something in the papers this morning, and this triggered my thoughts – what happens when you get dumped by a friend or a relationship without any explanation?
I am not saying I am a very Zen person, but I believe most people had that experience one way or the other in their lives, but the continued mystery of ‘why’ is the most intriguing part.
I, myself, have experienced that in more than one occasion, but as you grow older, you become more care-free about those things.
For example, I once knew a family of the Catholic faith. They championed themselves as fighters for freedom of speech, and considered nothing is off limits when speaking their minds. The right to offend is the right of truth telling and nobody should take this off from anyone. But then when there was an occasion, I pointed out the fallacy in their argument that is borderlining hypocrisy, they cut me off completely. That goes the ‘freedom of speech’, and there goes the ‘truth telling’. Initially I was perplexed, but then I decided that they are not worthy of my time and energy to ponder.
On another occasion, a long-term friend of mine since secondary school suddenly cut me off from all communications. Initially, I was upset, because I treasured that friend, I wanted to know what went wrong, and in case it was my fault, fix things up and patch things up with him. I treasured this friend because we had gone through a lot of tough times together, and that kind of mutual experience does not come by every day. I tried to text him, and call him. When I eventually managed to reach him, he was annoyed on the phone and said that he was busy but promised will call me back. When I did not hear back from him, I tried to call him again, my number was blocked. It was at that moment I realised that for some people, a lifetime friendship means nothing to them. And later I found out from others that because now he parked with a bunch of what he considered as ‘upper class friends’ that he always wanted to, as a symbol of success, I am no longer good enough for him, as I do not like to affiliate with those people. It hurt at that time, but since then, I realised that you can only be friends with someone as long as you share the same values.
There are many other examples too, like someone considered me substandard and sad because I am not married or in a relationship, because she thinks that ‘Now she is married, it feels sad to hang around single people’. When her marriage was on the rocks, and tried to reconnect, I just wasn’t into it anymore. And there is another occasion that, when I pointed out someone’s hypocrisy and self-erected pedestal, she flushed me out immediately, despite I helped her kick started her career when she felt helpless with getting a foothold in the job market.
I am not writing this out of spite. In fact, I feel nothing about these people anymore. However, this is a part of your life that you have lived, so it will always be part of you, memories and all. For me, the key is to not let these things or people get to you regularly, as it might not be your fault. And also, if it is your fault, while you try to find a resolution, but as ‘friends’ they don’t even want to sit down and discuss with you, what is the point of obsessing about them? All friendships and relationships are bilateral; there is only that much you could do. Sad? Certainly, it is. But staying in this pit of sadness won’t make your life better.
I might sound cold and unappreciative to some with this attitude, but I don’t believe in sacrificing your happiness for people who don’t care about you, or don’t consider your friendship and relationship important enough for them. At the end of the day, you decide and you control your own happiness, not other people. Some of these people may continue to try to make your life hell because of their spite on you, but the best way for me to deal with these people is to toss them out like sewage water to the side of your road, so you keep your road ahead clean.
I am not a social butterfly, and I have always been a very reserved person. My personal upbringing and life experience had made me so. I am not going to change who I am, for I believe I would rather have a few good friends, than a bunch of acquaintances. When someone whom I considered a friend cut me off, it hurts tremendously, but I think all through these years I have built a metal case around my heart that I can deal with these purposeful and vengeful attacks more effectively.
Nobody wants a serious friendship or relationship to end. But seriously, I personally do not see a point of moaning over it; especially when you have done all you can to resuscitate it and trying right any wrongs you could think of to save it.
That’s just my self-preservation for my sanity.
